Redrafted Essay Example Text Description
The below text details the redrafted essay's introduction text as seen in the image example under redrafting your essay on the essay writing page.
Each sentence in the introduction paragraph has been laid out in a table below to detail explanations for each.
| Sentence | Explanation |
|---|---|
| At first, chocolate, a derivative of the cacao bean, was consumed as a drink only later achieving mass popularity in tablet or bar form, yet today consumption has become a worldwide phenomenon. | Too much detail in the opening sentence, so the reader is not immediately drawn in. |
| However, chocolate's inherent popularity does not equate to it possessing healthy properties. | Needs a clearer link to the title here. |
| The realities of chocolate are more down to earth; a number of these realities will be addressed in the essay. | |
| Chocolate has chemical properties that can influence mood and there is evidence for some positive impacts of chocolate on cardiovascular health. | Overstating the case - the writer's position needs to be softened. |
| Yet, such positive attributes are counterbalanced by the argument that, in some instances, chocolate can be viewed as a drug rather than a food. | Overstating the case - the writer's position needs to be softened. |
| There is the possibility of some correlation between over-consumption of chocolate and obesity. | The writer hasn't included a clear thesis or scope in their introduction. |