A letter to my fellow neurodivergents...

I’m sorry if you’ve grown up hearing that you’re not doing your best, that you’re just not trying hard enough. I’m sorry if you’ve grown up teaching yourself that you had to push through discomfort only to realise you still can’t do all those things your peers could. I’m sorry if you grew up knowing you were so different from everyone around you, yet you weren’t cared for like you should have been.

There’s this belief among people like us – people who are autistic, dyslexic, have ADHD, OCD or any of the other neurodivergencies – that we have this ‘Better’ that we’re just not achieving. I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and autism, only getting a diagnosis for both in my early twenties.

I imagine that I, like a lot of you, have spent my whole life being told that I’m not doing my best, that I could just achieve more, that I could do more, that I could be more if I just tried harder and applied myself better. I grew up convinced that there was this mysterious, just-out-of-reach ‘Best’ that I just had to achieve, and that all of the work I had done and successes I had achieved thus far have been, well, very average.

My whole life, I’ve been convinced that I could do anything I set my mind to if I just pushed myself harder, and if I didn’t achieve it…well that’s just because I’ve been lazy or lost focus or simply because I’m just not good enough. I’ve been convinced that if I just put my mind to it, then I would be able to find all of life’s answers, I could cure cancer, I could achieve greatness.

But the problem, of course, is that I’m twenty-two years old, I’ve been at university for five years now and I’ve not achieved that greatness or reached that ‘Best’ that I’m so sure I have. Frankly, I’m still trying to work out what ‘you’re the apple of my eye’ means and why it’s a compliment (that’s a joke for my fellow autistics that have gone through the diagnostic process).

‘Best’ is so far away from where I am right now, yet I’m entirely convinced that if I tried harder and was better, then I would finally go through metamorphosis into a Spectacular Human and there’d be Nobel’s in my right hand and Oscars in my left, discoveries accredited to me and people begging for interviews.

And so I, like lots of you, have been struggling to accept myself as a person because how could I possibly be worthy of anything when I can’t even sit still or stop fidgeting or handle small talk for long enough to truly achieve?

Lots of us who are neurodivergent place such a substantial amount of worth on ourselves because we know intrinsically that we’re simply not trying hard enough because that’s all anyone has ever told us. And so, if you ended up in therapy at any point, you may have had similar conversations to me where your psychologist/counsellor tells you that most people don’t put that amount of pressure on themselves to achieve, they already know that they can do their best. But the problem is, you and I aren’t normal people, and we know this – we have this ‘Best’ that’s just out of reach that they don’t have.

I’ve struggled with this my whole life and this innate sense of failure has been the catalyst for many terrible spirals and I have had to come to terms with a few things that I thought might be worth sharing. 

I’ve spent a not inconsiderable amount of time being so sure that I can do quite literally anything, but I’m somehow choosing not to; that I’m somehow choosing to not cure cancer, which isn’t even slightly true. The thought spirals in my head that I can and I should but I’m not good enough because I simply won’t – which just further convinces my own brain that not reaching ‘Best’ is a choice. Because if I can do all of these amazing things, what am I not doing well enough?

Truth is, I can’t. 

This ‘Best’ that my family and my teachers told me I wasn’t working hard enough to achieve doesn’t exist, at least not for me. Are there times when I could have done better or achieved more and actively chose not to? Oh absolutely. But I am not actively choosing to fail classes or get distracted or struggle with conversation, I’m not actively choosing to avoid successes that are Just Out Of Reach. I simply cannot do these things.

And oh boy did that realisation make me angry. “What do you mean I can’t do everything? What do you mean I’m not good enough?” I would ask myself. But that’s not the point. I’m more than good enough and so are you. ‘Best’ is different for everyone, and it’s going to change throughout your life depending on your circumstances. At age twelve, I could devour upwards of twenty books in a two-week school break and now I can do maybe one or two. I know people who could function everyday at university a few years ago but are really struggling now and that is perfectly fine. 

It’s okay if you can’t do things. It’s okay if you’re never able to use verbal communication, it’s okay if you’re never able to finish university, it’s okay if all you can do is survive your days. It’s okay if you don’t reach your family’s expectations of you, it’s okay if you don’t reach your own expectations of yourself. 

I’m sorry if you grew up convinced that you’re at fault for any and all reasons why you don’t Do Those Things, and I’m sorry if there was so little compassion and understanding available to you. I’m sorry especially if you - like me - have placed all of your self-worth on each thing you do that is closer to the hypothetical ‘Best’. 

You are more than what everyone says you can achieve if you just worked harder and were better. You’re enough as you are, you are not ‘too much’ and you are always, always doing your best.