Grief & Loss

The feelings to fight, deny or block the grief can be very powerful and often quite irrational. Often they are much too strong to just stop. The main goals are to accept the feelings and try to take some charge of when, where, and how they are expressed. This is so you can process them but still be able to attend to work or study to some extent. Of course, if the feelings feel really crazy, talk to someone.

Although a loss may be permanent (such as a death) the grief is not. It will pass, even if slowly. There is often a time after the worst of the grief when everything feels a bit grey and flat but gradually the sun shines through again. People sometimes speak of being stronger and wiser as they eventually have what is now called ‘post-traumatic growth’.

In Western culture we usually think of our identity as being fixed somehow within the individual, but much of our sense of self is made up of our day-to-day routines and interactions. If we lose someone close to us (like a partner or parent) then those day-to-day conversations and interactions are also lost. When people lose this structure they can feel lost – like their sense of self has also gone. Recognising this helps it to feel more manageable, and setting up routines and regular interactions with others can also help.

It is likely to be tough for a while so be gentle with yourself. You will also cope with the emotion better if you are physically OK, so get regular exercise, make sure you eat properly (even if you have lost your appetite), and try to get regular sleep, etc. Make sure to keep in contact with other people – friends and family. Allow yourself to choose between when you may want to speak of the grief and other times when you just want to be with people, doing something enjoyable.

Grief involves working through the loss, by acknowledging and expressing the feelings and thinking about the person or thing that has been lost. It also involves restoration oriented activities, such as focusing on the future, keeping on with work or study, etc. If people just try to ‘get on with things’ the feelings often are too strong and come out when you least want them to. Make time for the feelings, but also time for constructive activity. In the first few days, it may be hard to do anything, but after that, a goal can be to try to focus on when and where, and how the feelings are expressed, so as to still be a bit productive at other times.

There is a whole field of study now called ‘post-traumatic growth’. Even if the grief is awful, sometimes people learn and grow in the process - such as valuing things more, becoming more empathic to others, or deepening spiritual or philosophical understandings. People can also look at how to take something of the relationship forward - after a death it can help to also ask how can the person’s memory best be honoured; what did they most bring alive in you, and how can you keep that happening; how can the love they had be something that you keep within you?