To the academic mama who made it through bedtime

To the academic mama or the PhD student mum or the working mother who made it through to bedtime, yes it can be back-breaking when the feeding, nappy-changing, bath, and storytime seem to never end, and you literally don't know where all the time has gone. Then there is the added stress of trying to be both perfect at home and at work, as an ambitious, career-loving parent. As I share the next few productivity tips I've found, I realise this is a pep talk for myself as a single mother of a newborn daughter attempting to balance finishing her degree, breastfeeding, performing well at work, navigating a separation, and saving for a house deposit, all while trying to maintain a healthy and positive outlook.

• Keep family and friends close — More often than not they are also the reasons you are working so hard. Also, when things get really tough, these are the people who stick by you, reminding you of the tough, resilient nut that you are. Keep them close.
• Listen to advice but do what works best for you — I enjoy listening to leadership and motivational podcasts, but then I often find myself doubly stressed under the constant pressure of needing to work faster, work longer, and achieve more. Make sure to practice enough self-compassion while trying to change the world and do what works best for you and your family.
• Celebrate managing your house as an achievement — Where has the time gone? In between the feeding, the nappies, the playtime, the rocking the baby to sleep, there is the washing, the cooking, the bottle-sterilizing, the expressing of milk, and so on. These little chores should be recognised. They all take time, and they all go into supporting the care of your little human. Now, if only you can manage a daily shower, what an achievement that would be!
• Make time for sleep (as much as you possibly can) — I know, you've heard this again and again, and now you have to hear it from me: sleep when the baby sleeps. There are only so many sleepless nights your body can take, so try as hard as you can to prioritise the important things and, for me, sometimes it's prioritising sleep over a shower.
• Remember, you will sleep again — In case you find yourself unable to do the above, do not panic, and remember one day, sleep will come to you again. As with many other things, this sleepless phase will pass. Take each night as it comes and enjoy those sweet, solitary moments that's just you and your baby in the wee hours of the day.
• Recognise that your life has changed and things are not always in your control now — The sleepless phase will pass but now, with an offspring, I'll have to remember that my day and the schedule of things may not always go exactly as I plan. There will be the occasional nappy explosion that will cause me to run a couple of minutes late or losing some solid writing time in the middle of the night after my daughter wakes from a nightmare and I am there comforting her back to sleep. Keeping in mind that unexpected things can and will happen will help me feel less frustrated when they do occur.
• Accept help — I always struggle with this one, but I remember the help they provide is not just for me, but it's help for my baby daughter too. Any support I accept along the way supports my child as well. Those meals the very kind neighbour brings around allow me extra time to do other things for my daughter or some special self-care time for myself to recharge from an especially exhausting week.
• Celebrate your successes — As a research psychologist, I understand the value of being able to reflect and talk things out, not just with close friends, but also with relevant professionals. I was recently sharing my recent experiences following the birth of my daughter with my psychologist and asked him what I should do when I find myself feeling particularly stressed about the endless list of things to do. He instructed me to look at my baby daughter and remind myself of the excellent job I've managed to do by bringing her safely into this world and continuously providing her with everything she needs.

So this is what I do, I look at her and remind myself of the love that continues to nurture her, protect her, and care for her. And then I oh-so-quietly tip-toe out of her room, crawl into bed, and spend another hour looking at photos of her on my phone instead of going to sleep. It's obvious, isn't it? This academic mama's so in love.