Learning to say no

“You need to learn how to say no” is a common piece of life advice that has taken me a while to fully appreciate.

I already know how to say no, I learnt that at a very young age. Why would I need to learn how to say it now?

The reason is, that I’m a people pleasing moron.

I want to say yes to everything. In fact, I think I have been saying yes to everything for quite a while. I don’t think it’s normal to have more than three volunteering obligations…

I guess I want to be as productive as I can, and I also like helping people out. While I think these are good things; it doesn’t help anyone for me to be overworked, overstretched and overcommitted.

Sometimes this makes me very tired and grumpy. One of the most infuriating scenarios I have encountered is when one of the obligation-givers says, “What makes you so busy?” I have thus far shrugged off my desire to be adversarial. I have suppressed the urge to explain that the thing that makes me so busy is the combined effort of helping people who have sought my assistance (including that person asking).

I’ve heard “learning to say no” be phrased as “building the muscle of saying no” which I think raises an important point. Knowing my precise limitations and capabilities is a skill that takes practice and time to master. Sometimes I will be able to take on extra obligations, and sometimes I won’t. It’s all a matter of balance. Part of developing that skill is not just accepting opportunities, but also turning them down.

For tips and advice on managing your relationships and wellbeing, visit the University of Adelaide Wellbeing Hub.