Supporting an over-worked partner

My boyfriend, undertaking his intern year as a doctor, has spent the last four weeks or so on a particularly gruelling and unforgiving rotation.

He has gone from quite reasonable hours – more or less 9 to 5, with an understanding of the importance of mental health and generally wellbeing on a previous rotation – to that stereotypical medical school idea of overwork and tough love.

Fortunately, my boyfriend has not imbued such a sense of self-important unnecessary brutality, and thus is unwilling to just ‘go along’ with what is ultimately a pretty unhealthy as well as dangerous (for both the doctor and for patients) willingness to overworking.  But, despite his protestations, while in the subordinate position, there is only so much that can be done. He needs to perform well in the rotation in order to progress in his career, and in the short term there just aren’t other doctors present to treat the ballooning number of patients.

All of this means that when he does return home, often after a 12 hour or so shift, he isn’t what you might call delightful to be around. I completely understand this: the mental and physical energy exerted over those long days surely leave little left in the tank for home-life. But it is a fine line between accepting a degree of tired-weariness and allowing a more negative frame of mind to creep into one’s entire life, and so I have tried to be vigilant about that.

My approach has been to at first listen and validate his complaints and troubles, but ultimately to try and steer the conversation elsewhere, lest we both dwell on what is a shit situation even more than we must. I guess it could uncharitably be considered avoidance or simply not wanting to listen to whinging – there is, for sure an element of that – but I also think dwelling on things you can’t change isn’t a great solution either.

I am proud of him for working so hard and have tried to do what I can to smooth other aspects of his day-to-day as best I can, while fitting them in around my own commitments. Let’s just say I’m also very much looking forward to the end of this rotation!