What do safe relationships feel like?

Content warning: Please note that this piece refers to recent news surrounding sexual assault and violence. Some of the material might be distressing. We encourage you to take a break from reading if you need and take time to process the material. If you need support, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit the University’s Counselling website.

I’ll have to admit, like many, I’ve started to feel very weary the past several weeks with the steady news hearing about what women like, Grace Tame, Brittany Higgins, and Kate have experienced. It's not only the assault but then it's what one has to go through after deciding to speak up.

Judges tell juries: if a defendant lies, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s guilty, but if a woman is crying as she dials triple zero after being raped, she might just be putting on a show.Bri Lee, Eggshell Skull

I'm not really sure how to begin writing about consent. Nor can I really talk about what it must have been like for Grace Tame, Brittany Higgins, or Kate, but similarly for many other people, I can empathise. In fact, I feel the fear. Actually, there are so many thoughts and feelings, including hope. The March 4 Justice is a clear demonstration not only of protest (enough is enough), but of support and strength for those like Grace, Brittany, Kate, and many others. 

If I say NO to someone and they get angry, it does not mean that I should have said yes.Unknown

I tried looking up 'consent' and then realised without any legal training, I can't confidently write about that either, even more so when I realised that every Australian jurisdiction (state and territory) can have their own statutory definition of consent. Maybe I can write about how safe relationships feel like instead? How would you describe a safe relationship? What does that feel like to you? What about unsafe relationships? I asked a few other students what unsafe relationships feel like and here are some of their descriptions:

• They make you the butt of the joke and then tell you to stop being so sensitive. 
• They make rude comments, followed by compliments.
• They lie.
• They make you feel like you’re “crazy” or “dramatic” or “unreasonable”.
• Their actions rarely match their words.

It’s easier to love a person than to feel intimate with them. Intimacy requires emotional safety. And we have to be present before we can be intimate. Emotional safety also requires truth-telling and keeping agreements. We can’t feel safe with a person who is deceiving us.John Amodeo

Safe relationships are not limited to romantic relationships. They also include friendships and workplace interactions. They should not make you feel fear and dread. I asked a good number of other students, colleagues, and friends what emotional safety in relationships felt like and also reflected on my own. For all of us, safe relationships allow us to be ourselves and create a safe space to be truthful. In safe relationships, there is equality, authenticity, partnership, respect, intimacy, honesty, validation, and accountability.

Think about your best friendships. When I think of mine, they aren't only the people who've been there for me during my best days, they were also there for all the difficult days. More importantly, they were the people I could count on to tell me the truth, even the hard truthful things, I didn't want to hear. For example, my parents have always supported my dreams and ambitions. There were times they voiced concerns, but as I was already an adult, they respected my decision in the end. I remember my dad lovingly saying at the end of our discussion, "we love you, whatever happens with this decision you're making, you can always come home". I always had a safe haven with them.

All of my really close and long standing friendships are like that. There's vulnerability and trust, but I always felt safe, even in the midst of passionate debates, we were able to talk about the hard things and voice different opinions, because we each knew we were safe with each other. Those safest relationships I have are also with people who I can say really, truly know me and I can be my true self with. I've encountered people before who hide things from their friends and family, possibly for worthwhile reasons, but then of course makes them feel like they have to live this double life and not be able to be who they are and truly feel wholly loved and accepted for who they are.

I also think that safe relationships are characterised by boundaries, it's actually an important element. You feel safe because you know where you and the other stand, and which lines shouldn't be crossed. Also, no matter how close you are and how intimate your relationship might be, boundaries demonstrate that you are still each your own person. The closest bonds have the best boundaries, like mothers and their children. It's one of the things I remind myself as a mother to my toddler, she is her own person. I gave birth to her, I've changed countless nappies, treasured every 2.00 am snuggle, but she isn't mine. She will grow into her own. She is her own person as much as I am my own person, which is why it's important to have loving boundaries. Not necessarily space or distance, not double lives, but loving boundaries within our circle of security. She is the love of my life.

Anger delivers important information about where one of our boundaries have been crossed. My boundary was the edge of this root belief of mine: The most important values in marriage are honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness, and when those are gone, I am no longer safe.Glennon Doyle, Untamed