Ph.D. guilt

I recently came across an old blog post written in 2014 by a Ph.D. student. The title was, ‘Ph.D. guilt and shame’. Even without fully reading the post, I felt as some of my experiences as a Ph.D. student were validated.

There have been several instances during my candidature that I’ve felt guilty. I was never really sure what the guilt was all about, but it was usually coming from the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. I asked other students and they’ve permitted me to share here that some of the guilt they feel comes from buying into what other people think of doctoral students - that we need to get a ‘real job’.  

What is the difference between guilt and shame? Brene Brown who has examined shame for many years distinguishes them by describing them as:

Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.”

Is Ph.D. guilt something common? This is not a reliable answer, but I googled ‘Ph.D. guilt’ and the first page of search results was filled with blog and Twitter posts on the guilty feelings that research students felt. Some of them described the guilt of not being able to fully immerse themselves as students because they have to support themselves through their research by working part-time. There were others who are mothers struggling with feelings of ‘mum guilt’ as they try to juggle parenting with studying. There were also those who felt guilty about days they just did not have the mental headspace to write while they were in lockdown, isolated from friends or family. If there was anything to learn from all of this, it was that I was not alone in having these feelings.

Usually, I would only turn inwards, but after sitting with these feelings and reading about other students’ experiences, I decided to take up the offer and stay with friends for a few days by the sea. 

Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share - who has earned the right to hear my story?Brene Brown

It was restorative being in the company of good friends. I didn’t need to talk about uni, I just needed a mini-break with wonderful people. We shared good food, ocean swims and just the gift of presence in each other’s lives. 

Connection was the marvelous gift of imperfection.

*This is part of a blog series from my reflections during Mental Health Awareness Month and integrating the guideposts from Brene Brown’s book, the Gifts of Imperfections in my HDR experience.