Soak it all in: the highs and lows of the Ph.D.

It's two in the morning on Friday and, as I sit at my desk struggling through writing a few more words for my thesis, I can't help but think about how I will manage to finish my PhD while navigating motherhood. I am only halfway through the program and I worry about the challenges that I will have to face in the second half. I try to remind myself of the many milestones I have overcome already and, despite the struggles, there were many wonderful times that I already miss.

I miss the thrill of the beginning—meeting my peers who, like me, possess great ambition. I miss the required CaRST hours, and I'm quite thankful there is still the opportunity to attend sessions throughout my program. I miss the feeling of that first day, opening the door to my very own office. I remember fondly the acceptance of my first ever conference presentation. There are so many other little things that I miss. Most of them are firsts in this PhD journey. I cannot help but compare this feeling to the first three months of motherhood. There is the well-known struggle of sleepless nights, endless nappies, and hours spent comforting a crying baby. Yet, throughout all of that, there is boundless and immeasurable love.

I have adjusted to functioning on an hour's sleep a day, on average. It's 'painful' in a way, and yet I find myself, at three in the morning after feeding my baby daughter, rocking her to sleep, jumping back in bed, and then 'wasting' another half hour just looking through photos of her on my phone. I find myself similarly taking the time to blissfully read up and further research relevant literature, as well as re-editing paragraphs of my thesis I have written just hours before.

The days seem really long, especially when it feels like I am just trying to survive one day at a time. Yet, as I sit here, I am astounded as to how quickly the months have flown by. I've presented at conferences. I've submitted manuscripts. I've transcribed hours of data. My baby daughter has grown out of her newborn clothes and is now using nappies that are one size bigger. She smiles a lot now and engages with everyone more actively. Soon, she will grow out of her bassinet. Time flies and, despite the struggle, I'm afraid to blink because if I do, I'll miss the precious, beautiful moments too. I want to soak it all in.